Where is your focus?
Lately it seems that so many things in my life push me into a place of depression and despair. I’ve been in rough places before – my youngest brother’s suicide, my oldest brothers unexpected death, the burning down of the family homestead. These were TOUGH moments – but nothing is tougher than when things directly impact your kids or your relationship with them. When people hurt your children intently – IT HURTS – and it is confusing and upsetting and a whole slew of other powerful emotions.
Recently this happened to me. Someone close to my family sought to intentionally hurt my children, and the result was sheer heartbreak for me. Crying. Aching. Utter confusion at what was going on. I STILL don’t know what is going on, BUT I am fortunate to be surrounded by strong women who came alongside me and said EVEN in your despair – you need to SING. You need to PRAISE. You need to tell God HOW GREAT HE IS – even if things don’t end up how you think they should.
I am SO THANKFUL for women of worship. Who somehow in the midst of their own darkness, are able to not only redirect themselves, but redirect others to focus on their greatness of God rather than their own circumstances. When I served on the worship team, I often showed up for worship practice in all my brokenness. I’d manage fine. I’dd even manage fine for the first half of Sunday morning church – BUT second half? I would so overcome with grief and hurt and mourning, I’d just put my mic down, go to the altar and CRY. Sob like a baby for all the church to see. Super embarrassing - but yet, so incredibly healing!
God was working in my heart. Telling me – you HAVE to deal with the anger in your heart – and I’m NOT GOING TO TAKE IT. You have to GIVE IT TO ME. Your anger is hurting you. It’s hindering MY MOVEMENT because this isn’t about the OTHER PERSON – it's about YOU! All this hurt and heartache is breaking your heart so that you can lean into ME. So that I can reshape your heart to be like MINE. So that you can have compassion and mercy and humility.
And I just sobbed and sobbed. Because who wants to give something up when you feel so entitled to it? When the injustice has been done to YOU? No one! I am the WRONGED party, not the one doing the wrong? Why should I forgive? Why should I let it continue? Why should I NOT be angry and hateful and hard? Why should I NOT give back what I am receiving?
But that is NOT God’s way.
God did not SAVE THE WORLD by spitting vinegar back at Roman soldiers.
God did not SAVE THE WORLD by laughing at a Roman soldier whose ear was cut off.
God did not SAVE THE WORLD by defending himself to Pilate.
NO. God’s way is different. God’s way is to believe that His Father’s plan IS BETTER. God’s plan is about the BIG PICTURE and about people’s hearts. God’s heart is pure and holy and He tells us “Be holy because I am holy”. There is NO OTHER reason. The goal of the Christian walk is to BE LIKE CHRIST and how are we – how am I – going to be like Christ with all this anger and hatred and lack of trust in my heart? How can I be like Jesus if I don’t believe God has it all figured out? If I don’t believe what the Bible tells me – that the righteous will not be forsaken, that vengeance I the Lord’s, that he has GOOD THINGS planned for me!
Now I’m not saying I’ve arrived. My heart hurts. Giving anger over to God is a process – one finger at a time around my heart of stone towards this person. BUT I know in my core that there is NOTHING I want more than to please the Lord. I can’t explain that to people, I just know in my bones that HE IS REAL and HIS WORD IS TRUE.
So there at the altar – I committed myself – one finger at a time. Let the anger go. Focus on who God wants me to be. Let HIM do the work and stop trying to figure it out. I’ve done everything right and STILL things seem to be going wrong. Everyone is confused and puzzled. I’m told over and over again that no one has ever seen something like what I have had to deal with because it is so contrary to everyone else’s experience. The confusion angers me. The constant defeat angers me. The hurt and the brokenness angers me. The sheer level of unnecessary cruelty and meanness shown to me and my children – ANGERS ME. But there is nothing I can do about someone else. I can only work on me and what God expects of me.
When we willingly lay down our spirit of despair and purposely put on a garment of praise, God moves. What obstacle are you holding on to today? What is God saying to your heart – give it to me because I’m not going to take it. I challenge you – one finger at a time. Trust that God will work on your heart and mold you to be more like Him in your brokenness.
